Thursday, 8 March 2012

Day 550 Day 509 Day 1

Day 550 of medical school.  Although technically I'm not currently a student at medical school, I temporarily halted my studies due to failing the semester at Day 509 and will not be commencing again until September. I'm in no-man's-land.

So let's call this day 1.

I am here because I have things to say.  I am a medical student - well as you've already read, I'm not technically a medical student, but getting into medical school was a hurdle, and when I was successful being a medical student became part of my identity.  Therefore although I am not currently a student in the eyes of the university I study at, I AM still a medical student.

Failing is rubbish.  I mean it's really fucking shit.  But for me, the sting in the tail is that it's entirely my own fault. I can blame nothing or no one for the situation I currently find myself in.  Last minute medic.  That's me.  And that's why I failed.  I've gone through life so far "just getting by".  I got into my previous university through UCAS clearing as I didn't quite get into the university of my choice or my insurance, but still managed to get into a good uni.  And I came out the other side with a 70.4% overall grade - I just managed a first class with honours, and with not much hard work.  I don't mean to sound pompous, but what I'm trying to say is that medicine is hard.  You have to work at it and you have to learn, a lot.  I didn't, and I failed.  And it's taken me three sets of exams and one set of resits, late night cramming, sleepless nights, hysteria and finally failing a semester to realise this.  Medicine is hard.  That's why admissions tutors want you to have done some work experience, and want you to talk to real doctors - so that it might give you the teeniest insight into how hard a course it is.  Not to mention the actual career at the end of it!

I guess I figured I could just waltz in and pass the exams with little work and lots of fun, just like I've done so far in life.  It turns out I've fallen down, and rightly so.  Who wants a doctor who barely scraped through the exams?  I certainly don't.

I hope this blog will help me discover what it is about myself that causes me to be as last minute as I am, and in some way helps me to rectify this in order to continue on the trajectory I've set myself.  Becoming a doctor.  It's certainly not a lack of desire.